I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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