No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
