and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
