Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
