I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
