Can i not drive my cunt home
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
