well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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