What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
