it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
