this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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