If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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