I should be sponsored by Trojan
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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