clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
