Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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