Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
