Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
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I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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