You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
