I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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