Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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