so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
