the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
