i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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