i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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