I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
