3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I need to align my fucking chakras
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
