just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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