Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
