Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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