so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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