I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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