Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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