Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
