Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
this just has baby written all over it
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The beers last night were like the tears from god
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
