I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
