I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
