I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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