I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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