onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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