I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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