I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
