I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
