he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
