I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
