he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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