I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
