trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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