Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
