she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Im part way to drunk.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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