Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
