she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
