He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
