im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
