I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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