a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
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promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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