there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
