Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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