so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
then he tried to convert me to islam
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
