woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
