my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We had sex on a dog bed..
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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