She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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