He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
