Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
